Three Mothers I Admire

NARRATOR
Welcome to the theater...of the mind.
This is a three-act play,
on this Mother’s Day,
entitled, “Three Mothers I Admire.”
I’m the Narrator.
I’m also one of the actors,
along with my wife, Kathleen.

Act 1.
It’s a beautiful sunny day.
A man is in his backyard,
holding a golf club.

MOTHER EARTH
Ouch!

SON OF THE EARTH
Who said that?

MOTHER EARTH
I did.

SON OF THE EARTH
Who are you?

MOTHER EARTH
Your Mother.

SON OF THE EARTH
Mom? You sound different.

MOTHER EARTH
Not your biological mother.
Mother Earth.

SON OF THE EARTH
Holy cow!
Where are you?

MOTHER EARTH
Down here, under you.
Where’d you think I’d be?
By the way,
what are you wearing on your feet?

SON OF THE EARTH
Golf shoes.

MOTHER EARTH
Golf shoes?
Cleats!
Oh my aching back!

SON OF THE EARTH
Sorry.
I was just practicing some chip shots in the backyard
and I wanted to wear what I wear on the golf course.

MOTHER EARTH
Don’t apologize.
Usually I like cleated golf shoes.
They’re like acupuncture to me.
I guess I’m just feeling old today.

SON OF THE EARTH
Old?
You’re not that old.
Why, some people say you’re only about 6,000 years old.

MOTHER EARTH
Yeah, right.
And if you believe that, I’ve got some swampland in Florida I’d like to sell you.
Wait a minute.
Come to think of it, I do have some swampland in Florida I’d like to sell you.

SON OF THE EARTH
Well, how old are you then?

MOTHER EARTH
Don’t you know you’re not supposed to ask a woman her age?

SON OF THE EARTH
Sorry.

MOTHER EARTH
That’s okay.
I’m not afraid to reveal my age.
I like to say that this year I’ll celebrate my 5 billionth anniversary of turning 29.

SON OF THE EARTH
But I thought that The Big Bang Theory tells us the earth is 14 billion years old.
I don’t mean scientists.
I mean the theme song for the TV show The Big Bang Theory.
I hear it every week.

MOTHER EARTH
They’re talking about the Universe.
The universe is about 14 billion years old.
I’m just a child compared to the universe.

SON OF THE EARTH
So why do some people say you’re only 6,000 years old?

MOTHER EARTH
Religion.
Religion makes some folks believe unusual things.

SON OF THE EARTH
Like believing that I’m talking to Mother Earth right now?

MOTHER EARTH
Something like that.
But I was thinking more along the lines of religious people
believing that an earthquake is God expressing anger.

SON OF THE EARTH
It’s not?
Is it you expressing anger?

MOTHER EARTH
[Chuckles] No.
It’s just my tectonic plates shifting.

SON OF THE EARTH
In anger?

MOTHER EARTH
[Chuckles] No.
Not that I don’t have plenty to be angry about.
Global Warming.
Over-population.
Air, Water and Soil Pollution.
The list goes on and on and on.

SON OF THE EARTH
On behalf of all human beings, I apologize.

MOTHER EARTH
No need to apologize.
It’s not as if it’s all just the fault of human beings.
What am I saying?
Of course it’s all just the fault of human beings!
It’s not as if zebras are causing Global Warming.
Or bears are causing Over-Population.
Or dolphins are causing Air, Water and Soil Pollution.
That’s all the fault of you humans.

SON OF THE EARTH
Why do we do that?

MOTHER EARTH
Probably religion again.
Some people take the words in the Hebrew scriptures literally.

SON OF THE EARTH
Which words?

MOTHER EARTH
The ones where it says that after God created humankind in God’s image,
“God blessed them, and God said to them,
‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it;
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air
and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.’”

SON OF THE EARTH
But those are beautiful words.
Very poetic.

MOTHER EARTH
I know.
But some people hear those words, “subdue” and “dominion,”
and think they hear the words, “pollute” and “over-populate.”

SON OF THE EARTH
Oh.
Well, in defense of humankind,
some people believe the earth is just a stepping stone to heaven.
We can do to the earth whatever we want
and it’ll all work out “in the sweet by and by.”

MOTHER EARTH
That’s a defense?

SON OF THE EARTH
Yes, although admittedly, not a very good one.
Let’s hope humankind wakes up
to the fact that the earth is all we’ve got
and we should protect and preserve it.

MOTHER EARTH
Let’s hope.
By the way, what’s your favorite part of me?

SON OF THE EARTH
Oh, I love so much of you:
Trees with their fall colors.
Magnificent mountains.
Even a fresh layer of new-fallen snow.
But probably my favorite part of you
is walking along the beach at sunset, barefoot.
I love the feel of sand between my toes.

MOTHER EARTH
And I love the feel of toes between my sand.

SON OF THE EARTH
I love you, Mother.

MOTHER EARTH
I love you, too, Son.

SON OF THE EARTH
Happy Mother’s Day!

MOTHER
Thanks!


NARRATOR
Act 2.
A darkened room.
A single lightbulb is hanging from a wire
above a table where a man is sitting.
He’s a psychic, gazing into his crystal ball,
to communicate with a woman beyond the grave.
She speaks.

MOTHER TERESA
Who’s there?

PSYCHIC
Mother?

MOTHER TERESA
Yes.

PSYCHIC
Mother Teresa?

MOTHER TERESA
Yes. How can I help you?

PSYCHIC
I wanted to talk to you about your life.

MOTHER TERESA
Whatever for?

PSYCHIC
Well, you’re up for sainthood in the Catholic church.
You received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979.
And I just find your life,
your spiritual life,
your commitment to charity,
amazing. Miraculous even.

MOTHER TERESA
The miracle is not that we did the work,
but that we were happy to do it.

PSYCHIC
Yes.
I’ve read about your life...

MOTHER TERESA
[Rolls her eyes] You mean you checked me out on Wikipedia.

PSYCHIC
Well...yeah.
And I read there that you were born on August 26th, 1910.
But you consider the next day, August 27th, the day you were baptized,
as your “true birthday.”

MOTHER TERESA
Yes.
By blood, I am Albanian.
By citizenship, an Indian.
By faith, I am a Catholic nun.
As to my calling,
I belong to the world.
As to my heart,
I belong entirely to the Heart of Jesus.
How long have you been a Catholic, my son?

PSYCHIC
Ahhh...well...umm...I’m not.

MOTHER TERESA
You’re not?!
Well then, how long have you been a...
[says it like she just sucked on a lemon]
...Protestant?

PSYCHIC
I’m not a Protestant, either, really.
I’m a...Unitarian.

MOTHER TERESA
God in heaven!
[Crosses herself.]
Well, you’re relatively young.
There’s still time for you to convert to Catholicism.

PSYCHIC
Riiiight.
Now I have to admit
that you and I disagree on a couple of issues.
The issue of abortion.
I support a woman’s right to choose.
And I know you don’t.

MOTHER TERESA
I’m a Catholic nun.
What can I tell ya?

PSYCHIC
I also have to admit,
another issue I never understood is why,
when you were handing out food
to the poorest of the poor in India,
why you didn’t also hand out condoms.
I would think over-population is a big problem in India.

MOTHER TERESA
Again, I’m a Catholic nun.
What can I tell ya?

PSYCHIC
True.
Okay, so let’s set those issues aside
and just talk about your spiritual life
and your charitable work.

MOTHER TERESA
Sounds good.

PSYCHIC
You founded the Missionaries of Charity,
a Roman Catholic religious congregation,
which this year consisted of over 4,500 sisters
and is active in 133 countries.
Wow.

MOTHER TERESA
We ourselves felt that what we were doing was just a drop in the ocean.
But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.
Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted
according to the graces we have received
and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.

PSYCHIC
You are like love personified.
How important is love in what you do?

MOTHER TERESA
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
Spread love everywhere you go.
Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.

PSYCHIC
Many of the people you helped were all alone in the world,
with nobody else to give them a hand.

MOTHER TERESA
One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.
The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.
Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody,
I think that is a much greater hunger,
a much greater poverty, than the person who has nothing to eat.

PSYCHIC
What would you like to say to people today?

MOTHER TERESA
I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor.
Do you know your next door neighbor?
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
Peace begins with a smile.

PSYCHIC
Mother Teresa, thanks for talking with me.

MOTHER TERESA
You’re welcome.

PSYCHIC
It is Mother’s Day.
And I just want to say:
Happy Mother’s Day, Mother Teresa.

MOTHER TERESA
[Chuckles] But I was never a mother.
I never had any children.

PSYCHIC
Oh, I think you had millions of children.
Many of them were adults.
Happy Mother’s Day.

MOTHER TERESA
Thank you.
And God bless you.


NARRATOR
Act 3.
It’s a beautiful summer day.
A 9-year-old boy is playing baseball
with neighborhood children in a field.
A blue-haired lady, in a flowered dress,
who lives in a house near the field,
steps out onto her side-porch and bellows...

GRANDMA
Billy! Lunch!

BILLY
Oh, I gotta run guys. Sorry.
(Oh man, running to my Grandma’s house isn’t easy.
It seems like her house is a mile away.
I’ll bet when I’m older, though,
I’ll realize this field was just across the street
from her house, maybe a hundred feet away.)

GRANDMA
Hi, Billy.
Wash your hands.

BILLY
Okay, Grandma.
What’s for lunch?

GRANDMA
Sliced tomato and cottage cheese
and a braunschweiger and onion sandwich,
with lots of mayonnaise.
And a glass of whole milk.

BILLY
Oh, boy!
My favorites!
I sure am lucky to be living in 1964,
before anybody has ever heard of
cholesterol or clogged arteries.

GRANDMA
What are you talking about?
Just eat your lunch.
But first say grace.

BILLY
Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat.
Amen.

GRANDMA
Billy! Show a little respect!
Don’t you learn anything
when I take you to church every Sunday?

BILLY
Well, this past Sunday I learned that the Communion wine
they serve in church is really grape juice.
Hello!
And it’s not even Welch’s grape juice.
It’s some kind of funky generic brand!

GRANDMA
What did you expect?
They can’t serve real wine
or they’d have every drunk in town show up for church.

BILLY
[Chuckles] Yeah, we can’t have that.

GRANDMA
Of course not.
And they serve generic brand grape juice,
Mr. Smarty Pants,
because churches these days have to scrimp and save just to get by.
I’ll bet churches 50 years from now
won’t have to worry about money at all.

BILLY
From your mouth to God’s ears.

GRANDMA
Billy, do you know why I take you to church every Sunday?

BILLY
Not a clue.

GRANDMA
Because one day I’d like to see you
grow up to be a minister.

BILLY
Seriously?

GRANDMA
[Laughing] Are you kidding?
How hard up would God have to be
to have you as a minister?

BILLY
Gee thanks, Grandma.

GRANDMA
Hurry up and eat your lunch.
The TV Weatherman, Buck Matthews,
whom I worship like a god,
just said we’re under a tornado watch.
We have to get down in the basement till it’s over.

BILLY
Aw, it’s so boring in the basement.

GRANDMA
Are you kidding?
You love it in the basement.
Remember, I’m the township clerk,
so I have old ballots you like to draw on the back of.

BILLY
True.
You’re the township clerk?

GRANDMA
Yup.
I’m about the only Democrat in this town,
but they vote for me anyway.
They say it’s because they love me.

BILLY
(Chuckles) So they love you, even though you’re a Democrat.

GRANDMA
Yes. Isn’t that nice?

BILLY
Ah, I guess.
You know what Grandma?

GRANDMA
No. What?

BILLY
I’m glad you live next door to us.
Then I can come visit you
whenever I get bored at home.

GRANDMA
[Chuckles] Gee, it’s nice to know
I’m your alternative to boredom.

BILLY
I didn’t mean it that way.
It’s just fun to come over here.

GRANDMA
I’m glad you feel that way.

BILLY
Grandma, can I ask you something?

GRANDMA
Sure. What is it?

BILLY
What do people mean when they say you’re a Gold Star Mother?
Is that the same thing as when we get a gold star in school?

GRANDMA
[Sigh] No, not exactly.
Do you remember seeing the picture of a young man in uniform in my living room?

BILLY
Yes.

GRANDMA
That’s my son, Curt.
Your mother’s brother.
Your Uncle Curt.
He died in the Korean War, a couple years before you were born.

BILLY
I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t make you feel bad.

GRANDMA
No, you didn’t.
I’m glad you asked me.
It’s good to remember Curt, he was a good son.

BILLY
I wish I would’ve known him.

GRANDMA
You would’ve liked him.
And he would’ve liked you.

BILLY
You think?

GRANDMA
I know.
He was irrepressible.
Just like you are irrepressible.

BILLY
Whatever that means.

GRANDMA
Billy, remember when I kidded you before
about you becoming a minister?

BILLY
I’m trying to forget.

GRANDMA
Well, I didn’t really mean it.

BILLY
Really?

GRANDMA
Really.
I think you’d make a fine minister.

BILLY
Gee, thanks Grandma.
You know, I don’t come over to your house when I’m bored.
I come over to your house because you nurture me in body, mind and spirit.
 You show me the meaning of unconditional love.
And you demonstrate to me the importance of finding joy in life.
Grandma?

GRANDMA
Yes, Billy.

BILLY
I love you.

GRANDMA
I love you, too, Billy.

BILLY
Happy Mother’s Day!

GRANDMA
Thanks.


NARRATOR (BILL FREEMAN)
I’d like to thank Kathleen for taking part in this.
She was not the focus of one of the acts,
not because she’s not a mother I admire.
She is.
But I’m waiting for Best Friend’s Day, then I’ll write about her.

Also, many of Mother Teresa’s words
were actually things she’d said over the years.

Finally, in the interest of full disclosure,
I can never remember having a conversation with my Grandma
about me going into the ministry.
But I do believe she would’ve been supportive of me becoming a minister.
Thank you for listening to our little theater presentation.
And Happy Mother’s Day.